From: Ebony Nikita Okeke
For: Successful Relationships
Let's save ourselves the most amount of heartaches and headaches we can. One of the most beautiful things in life are relationships. Us as feminine, high value ladies want a successful, healthy relationship that could blossom into marriage.
Yet, these small things could deter men away from continuing a relationship with you. They could also result in being a HUGE disadvantage to you in relationships. These things are not feminine, a big 'turn off' and something you should look out for when you're dating.
In my latest video, "Ladies STOP doing this: What NOT to do in Relationships", I share with you Dolls the main things you should avoid. I also explain and elaborate on the reasonings why you shouldn't do such things. Be sure to watch it for more value and detail.
What NOT to do in RELATIONSHIPS:
Play the 'WIFEY' role without the 'WIFE' Title
I see this so often. Excited and loving girlfriends who assume the wifey role, but don't receive the wife title. We have to understand there are layers and privileges' in a relationship. Those wonderful and admirable things that a wife does, is because she's a wife. She treats her man that way because that 'man' is her HUSBAND. The Bible calls wives to submit to their husband. I don't see a verse where it says that about girlfriends. Allow your boyfriend to earn those privileges with you.
Its like living in modesty. You don't show it all off. When a man becomes your husband, he has the privilege of seeing your body the way no one else has. Through that, men gain respect for you and they truly view it as a privilege that no one else has.
Allow something left to be desired. Don't give it all away to him and leave nothing to be excited for once you're married.
Playing the 'wifey' role comes in all different forms. It could be 100% of the time submitting to your boyfriend as if he's your husband. It could be 'shacking up' or moving in with your boyfriend before you're married. It could be giving into lustful ways before marriage.
Either way, its a girlfriend giving a boyfriend the privileges that are normally reserved for a husband.
"How is it a disadvantage if I enjoy it? I love living with my boyfriend, I love sleeping with him in bed, I love being called 'wifey' and playing 'wifey'."
Just like sin, those things come with a consequence. You're setting yourself up to be taken advantage of. Although your boyfriend could treat you well and he's a good man, he's also greatly benefiting from you giving him everything a married man is supposed to receive. This could lead to a lack of respect, ending the puppy-love stage and a potential issue with commitment to name a few.
How many men would rush to get married if they're already getting what a married man is getting? As I stated in the video, 'Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?'.
STORY TIME: The 'Wifey' role-playing girlfriend of 2 years
I had a friend, let's name her Gina, and she moved to a small town and met a guy , let's call him Stephen. They both began dating, going to different restaurants and enjoyed each other's company. Gina and Stephen made it official as boyfriend and girlfriend. Every other night, they would go to each other's house and have dinner there. He started off cooking dinner for her and then they would watch a movie. This went on every other day of the week. Gina slowly started helping Stephen cook dinner and clean up afterwards at his home. Sometimes Gina would 'sleep over' Stephen's house. Stephen met Gina's family and Gina met Stephen's friends. They continued their nightly routine of Gina coming over for dinner, helping cook and clean and then 'sleeping over'. One night, Gina didn't clean up Stephen's kitchen after dinner and this started an argument. They discussed moving to a different state and moving in together. They spoke about marriage and kids sometimes, too. Gina never met Stephen's mom and Stephen never told his mom about Gina. This really bothered Gina and they had multiple arguments about this. They didn't exactly resolve the issue, but they moved on from the topic and continued their relationship. Stephen wanted to move out of the state and take on a new job. Since they spoke about moving out of state and moving in together, this excited Gina. Gina brought it up that she was looking at new jobs in the state that Stephen wanted to move to. They had an argument and Stephen explained that he didn't see a future with her after 2 years of dating. He said he didn't feel the excitement anymore. Gina felt mislead since they spoke about marriage, kids, moving in together in the past.
Although Gina and Stephen didn't 'shack up' together in the same apartment, the culture of their relationship was like a husband and wife. They still slept together and they played house every other day of the week. Gina thought she was playing her role as a good girlfriend. Stephen mislead her. He might've been truthful about his original views of marriage with her. Him getting a full-course meal of the marriage life with her every other day could've contributed to his lost of excitement for their future. There wasn't much to look forward to with her since he already had it every other night. Gina played the wifey role for 2 years while hoping she would eventually become his wife.
How often do we hear stories like this? How often does this happen? Too often. This relationship culture is not sustainable, fair or pure for us ladies. Us feminine, high value women should follow the traditional way of relationships that turn into marriages.
Don't Engage in Petty & Insignificant Arguments
The 'old bickering married couple' is only cute in TV shows and movies. They are usually more funny than cute.
It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.
- Proverbs 21:19
Men look out for women who seem to be argumentative, never happy and the bickering type. If he’s looking for a long-term relationship and a potential wife, no matter how beautiful and extraordinary you are, he will run away.
No one wants to live with someone who is always starting an argument. No one wants that added stress. No matter how comfortable you may get in a relationship, never fall into the contentious woman hole.
Before engaging in an argument, ask yourself if the topic will still be relevant in the next week or month or year. Is this topic really worth an argument? Or is this something I can ignore or move on from?
Also, not every problem needs a therapy session. Its good to talk about your feelings and talk things out. Yet, it can be very draining to constantly participate in an unnecessary lecture. Some arguments could make your relationship stronger or it could wear you down.
Have you ever had a small argument that was resolved, but then the next time you see your boyfriend, it feels different. The environment around your boyfriend feels off, like they're acting funny or they're not talking so much or they may seem closed off. Although you resolved the issue, for him it may have been a draining experience. His feelings may have changed and that may lead to a break up.
It didn't take a big argument for you and your boyfriend to break up. Instead it took a multiple SMALL arguments that broke the camel's back.
If you find yourself not feeling like yourself within a relationship, that should raise a red flag. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship where your blood pressure isn’t raised every day. You should feel safe and not the need to defend yourself from your boyfriend. Every relationship has its ups and downs and every one has their seasons. It is still very important to consider if the relationship is a healthy route for you. Is the relationship more of a burden?
TIP #3 Don't Settle
You shouldn't settle with any aspect in your life and that includes your relationship. Not every relationship is an extraordinary K-drama, Telenovela, or Nicholas Sparks' book. Yet, you shouldn't settle for less just because the relationship you're in is convenient or comfortable.
There are truly so many fish in the sea and we shouldn't settle because we finally caught one. You are truly single until you're married. This doesn't mean go out and cheat, but until you've made that covenant with God and your husband, you are free to explore.
Your Local Convenient Boyfriend
I had a friend, let's name her Samantha and she dated a guy named Talon. They both lived in a small town and there wasn't much to do in that town. Yet they would have a nice time traveling to different cities and exploring new things and they took part in pre-martial sex regularly. They dated for months now and Talon got a job offer in a different state. Talon told Samantha if the job offer follows through, he would break up with her, but if he doesn't get the job he would stay together with her. This broke Samantha's heart. Yet, Samantha heard from her mom, that she is young and she shouldn't take things too seriously. She was considering Stephen's relationship offer. She asked me for advice and I told her that it seems like Stephen is trying to take advantage of her. Yet if she chose to continue dating him, then she would have to withhold some of her feelings. Although they've been dating for over a year now and she has strong feelings for him, she would have to view the relationship as a casual dating situation for her own good. Samantha considered the options and lastly decided that she would accept Stephen's relationship offer. She said since she lived in the small town, she doesn't have any friends and he is the only person she's spent time with since she's moved there. She also said that she is young and she agreed with her mom on not taking it seriously. I cautioned her that she may be putting herself in the position to get her feelings hurt. They continued dating for another year and Talon almost broke up with her two more times because of the potential job offers he got. Throughout that time, Samantha's feelings only grew stronger and each time she was more and more hurt. Yet, she didn't want to be lonely in the small town and her feelings turned into love, so she didn't want to break up. After the third break up attempt, Samantha finally ended the relationship after 2 and a half years. She felt undervalued, used and heartbroken.
My friend Samantha stayed with Talon for 2 1/2 years, knowing the consequences. She was comfortable and had the convenience of the relationship that she didn't want to let go. Deep down inside, she knew she couldn't withhold her feelings in order portray a care-free love partner. In the end, Samantha ended up hurting herself for 2 and a half years.
There is always something else out there. Don't let the small-town love convenience, 'I can be feeling-less' and 'I'm comfortable here' stigma sell yourself short.
4. DON'T try to CHANGE a Man
I speak more of this topic in the video. The main takeaway is:
A man will change WHEN he wants to.
A man will change for WHO he wants to.
Don't waste time trying to force a man to put effort and attention into a relationship that he doesn't value.
Be comfortable knowing that he wasn't willing to change for you, because he was NOT the one for you.
Be comforted knowing that there is someone out there who is the right one for you.
He will dedicate the proper time, change and attention for you, your relationship and your happiness.
Let Yahweh show you when he's the right one.
What is a lesson you've learned in your past relationships? Have you done any of these mistakes in relationships? Don't be shy to share, we've all made mistakes and through those mistakes have turned into knowledge and lifelong lessons.
Let's Chat, Dolls.
Always with Love,
Ebony Nikita Okeke